grandma tried to ruin my wedding.having trouble getting over it, help?
I married the loveliest man in the world about 2 months ago and I was the happiest woman in the world on my wedding day. We lucked out on weather for our outdoor ceremony, the officiant did a great job, the caterer was amazing, and the limo ride back to the hotel (and of course the hotel itself!) were the stuff of dreams.
The wedding, however, didn’t make grandma happy at all. She HATED the fact that my stepdad (rather than biodad, her son) walked me down the aisle. To try and compensate, we’d arranged much of the rest of the wedding around her tastes – my groom, who is NOT Jewish, stepped on the glass, for example. The menu, music, and many other details were arranged around her picky tastes – to no effect, since she didn’t get what she really wanted.
I maintain good relations with dad’s side of the family, but dad himself and I don’t always get along so hot. He walked out on our family a long, long time ago, and stepdad has been there for us ever since. On the flip side, we showed respect to biodad. He did get the first dance at my wedding, to say nothing of an invitation extended to himself and his not-so-lovely wife. But dad’s side of the family sat there with their arms crossed the whole darned time while others ate, drank, and made merry.
I went to go visit my grandma 2 weeks after my wedding to try and make her feel better. Usually, a visit puts her right again. But not this time. She immediately started laying into me. The band sucked, the food sucked, the dancing sucked, and, of course, I ****** for doing such a bad job planning. Planning my wedding was a serious undertaking, of course, and I really tried hard. She really made me feel like I blew it. I told her to lay off me but she wouldn’t – then I burst into tears and my husband whisked me off to Key West for a few days for a proper mini-moon. But it’s still bothering me. It’s like she’s partly spoiled the memory of what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life by saying I did everything wrong.
I’ve blocked her from my phone, telling myself it was only temporary until I decided what I wanted to say to her. But honestly, I just don’t want to talk to her at all. We’ve shared a pretty good relationship our whole lives, but I think this is a pretty serious thing, and now that I think about it, she’s been a pain about a lot of other things in my life, especially my career (I’m a PhD doing my postdoc, and she continually asks me when I am going to get a real job). She has never shown any actual respect for me. All she can think about is herself.
I’d like to have a happier memory of my wedding day, and not let the bad things she said spoil everything. My husband and I are very, very happy together. I’ve been putting together my wedding album and that is sort of helping, seeing myself and my husband and everybody else so very happy in those photos. What other things can I do to convince myself that my wedding was a great time and that everybody had fun except for her?
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By ClicketyClack, November 27, 2011 @ 1:38 pm
Wow, that sounds easy since everyone did have a great time but her. What a selfish party pooper. She sounds like a gray haired diva who needs to get the cold shoulder for awhile until she learns to behave in a kinder and less selfish way.
Actually, she sounds like she’s especially mad because you and your husband are so happy. I wonder if she’s bitter because she and her husband never were as happy as you are now?
To remind yourself of how wonderful your special day was, I think I’d get some lovely 8 X 10 picture frames and have your favorite four pictures from that day framed and put on the wall in your bedroom so you could see them every day. They could be formal pictures or candids. Whichever ones bring back the beauty and joy of that day.
By Joseph the Second, November 28, 2011 @ 12:41 am
Your Grandmother OBVIOUSLY- has Issues… And JUST as Obviously- NONE of them are Yours !!! So try to Ignore HER contribution to your Wedding- just enjoy what you LIKED about it -as WELL as your Happiness Now… As a married Woman, you are NOW any Adults Equal -and you have EVERY Right to Call your Grandmother on her BAD Behavior… If you Choose NOT to confront Her on it; then simply deal with Her FIRMLY if she has any MORE complaints about your Concerns- ignore Her completely if she insists on giving you a hard time… Maybe She IS just getting old… -But THAT doesn’t mean she doesn’t have any more Growing Up- to Do !!! … Have a Great married Life !
By whatamess, November 29, 2011 @ 2:47 am
The best thing you can do is continue to look at pictures of your wedding and discuss with your husband all the fun you had…Surround yourself with people who were actually thrilled about your wedding and just let her go…
I tell you because two friends have done this to me and I know how you feel…it’s like you are supposed to have a wonderful memory of your wedding and instead this creeps up to ruin it…don’t let her get away with it…move on…I am…
It is obvious some people just have no grace…no manners and believe the world should revolve around them, even on YOUR wedding day…and believe me, I don’t like bridezillas either…but some people you just have to cut them off…
Congratulations! and may you share lots of love, peace and happiness in the years to come…
By e_d_ellis2004, November 30, 2011 @ 9:04 am
Your grandma sounds like a narcissist. Narcissists can’t stand not being the center of attention and, due to their lack of empathy, will often spoil others’ joy. Narcissism would also explain the fact that she has never shown any actual respect for you, thinks only of herself, and the fact that she ended up raising a son who basically turned his back on his family.
That said, stop worrying about what your grandma thought of the wedding. It was YOUR day. You did the work of planning it and you and your brand-new hubby had a blast. If your grandma keeps giving you a hard time, just tell yourself (and her) that you did your best to please her and that it is time to move on. (Incidentally, narcissists make a career of being dissatisfied. They often refuse to be happy with any of your efforts.)
She’ll get over it…eventually.
By RAVEN, December 2, 2011 @ 3:11 am
So, the band sucked, the weather sucked, the food sucked, the venue sucked, and hell even you ******?????
read your opening paragraph again
still the same story??
your grandma had unrealistic expectations, and thats the crux of it
she is an old woman who didnt want to take off her rose coloured glasses and admit her son, isnt pappy walton, he isnt all you dream your son would be, and this merely highlighted it, so, in true old person fashion, she tried to MAKE him appear all sweetness and light, it didnt work, because you did the right thing, and tried to please everyone
she may have a grumpy face, and try to have spoiled your wonderful time, but truth is, not even grandma can change the face that, and i quote
I married the loveliest man in the world about 2 months ago and I was the happiest woman in the world on my wedding day. We lucked out on weather for our outdoor ceremony, the officiant did a great job, the caterer was amazing, and the limo ride back to the hotel (and of course the hotel itself!) were the stuff of dreams.
So, i can understand WHY you are taking her comments to heart, she is the only downer on the day, but, i cannot understand why you are allowing it to over shadow EVERYONE elses, including you your hubbys point of view
feel sorry for a bitter old woman, you have severed ties, time to move on, with your new husband, an exciting life awaits
By michelle g, December 2, 2011 @ 2:23 pm
It’s your choice to not talk to her and everyone would agree that she deserves it (seriously, she sounds like a wet blanket).
BUT if you decide to talk to her again then you need to be firm with her. If she starts laying into you then tell her to stop it. If she carries on warn her that you’ll leave if she doesn’t stop. And if she doesn’t stop then leave. Don’t apologize, you have nothing to apologize for.
Have you told her exactly how she makes you feel and what she does? It might be that she doesn’t realize just how badly hurt you are by everything she does. I don’t see why you can’t just be blunt and say Gran, you are spoiling the memory of the happiest day of my life. Why? or Gran, why can’t you show some respect to me? see if she can answer.
The career thing, well there are a lot of people out there who don’t understand what drives people to do postdoc’s. My husband asks me the same real job question (I want to do my Masters) and I have a friend who’s just finished her Masters who gets the same questions. Just let that one go to ignorance. Grandma probably never got to Uni so she can’t understand.
Confront her with her behaviour and ask her for a reason for it. Let her know how badly she is ruining her relationship with you. If need be, haul Grandma to a counselor!
Good luck.
By Garnet Glitter, December 4, 2011 @ 5:17 am
Hon, is it possible that your grandmother would not have been such a stick in the mud if you had married a nice jewish boy?
Some older folk are very set in their ways and have a hard time thinking ‘outside the box’, especially their own peculiar box,and if you have someone who is very rigid in their ideas it can be very difficult.
…and, if she’s used to being catered to, she’s probably p!ssed that she didn’t get her way in ALL things…sounds like a bit of a diva.
You’re a married lady now, and obviously very happy in your marriage….concentrate on that and grandma’s sourpuss behavior will lessen until it no longer matters…because in the end it doesn’t.
Good luck.
By Cranberry, December 6, 2011 @ 1:57 am
They say that when a person gets older, she goes back to being like a child. You can just assume that maybe your grandma is in that stage, of being childish, thus the tantrums. So, treat her like a kid, like, you know, when a kid says she doesn’t like the food because it’s disgusting, it’s because she prefer candies and other childish sweets over classy and healthy gourmet food. Never mind her comments. She’s just upset because she didn’t get to be your flower girl. As far as all the mature minded intellectuals are concerned, you had the most beautiful wedding and wish you’re gonna have a wonderful married life together, till death do you part.
By Helicreature, December 9, 2011 @ 6:29 am
You said that you had had a pretty good relationship with her your whole life? She isn’t depressed is she? I’m just wondering if she is taking out her own private misery on you?
You sound like a lovely woman who had a wonderful wedding. Don’t let her silly behaviour spoil your memories.
By robbodabbo2004, December 10, 2011 @ 6:23 pm
Just tell her strait up ….Everyone else enjoyed them self and it’s too bad your such a stick in the mud you couldn’t do the same…..Then I would mention how her complaining was uncalled for and she made a fool of herself.